"When I started this blog, I vowed to be as open and honest as possible. There are no secrets with me, what you see is what you get. If I am going to share my world with you I am going to share the ups and the downs. This post is about when marriage gets hard. When you see what you are really made of."
I asked, “Babe can you get the large garbage bag instead?” His response, “I can’t make you happy I want a divorce.” This is where my side of the story begins. I will never forget that day. On Tuesday, June 13, 2017 at 9:11 pm my world as I knew it completely changed. The love of my life, my best friend, and the father of my children asked me for a divorce. How did I respond? I was hurt and confused. I mean how would you feel.
My response-You are not making sense. You are kidding right? If you don’t want to be with me I cannot make you stay, just know that I love you. Are you sure this is what you want? You are kidding me right?
His response- “I can’t make you happy? I don’t want this anymore? I’m not making any sense!
My husband had a look in his eyes I never seen before. It was a mixture of rage, sadness, and oddly admiration for me. He was struggling with something. This was not about a large garbage bag there is more to it. When I started this blog, I vowed to be as open and honest as possible. There are no secrets with me, what you see is what you get. If I am going to share my world with you I am going to share the ups and the downs. This post is about when marriage gets hard. When you see what you are really made of. When I finally understood why my momma always said, “baby, you can bend but you can’t break.”
"My husband felt out of control."
My husband looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me he was leaving. This is when it got real! I can’t let this man walk away from me…away from our babies. “I need to leave,” he mumbled. I ran after him, “babe wait, talk to me.” I was shocked, he left. About 25 minutes later my phone rings and it’s him. “Babe I am at the VA (hospital) they are about to have someone see me, go to sleep, I’ll be home soon.” I woke up the next morning he was no-where in the house. I dropped the kids off at school and headed to the VA hospital right after. I saw his car in the parking lot, I went in and gave his name to find out he was not there. My husband was transported to a behavioral health facility. My husband was in a very bad space the night before. My husband felt out of control. My husband felt that his wife or kids were not safe with him. My superman was self-aware enough to leave our home in order to make sure we were safe and at that time it was not with him.
I was confused, what did I miss? I should’ve pushed that he went to therapy more after he left the police force, after his dad passed, after his biological father passed, to deal with the abandonment issues from his mom, and to deal with what happened in Afghanistan the first time and the second. I failed him. I cried like I never cried before in the parking lot. What do I do? Who do I call? What do I tell his commanding officer? He’s military how will this affect his career. My husband not loves this country he will lay his life down for this country. After letting his supervisor know at work know he would not be in that day I search my phone for support. Who will I call that won’t judge him? Who can I trust? I called a local friend who is a wife and a mother. Someone I respect and I broke down. She came to me she let me get it out and she put on her seatbelt in my car. I looked at her she said, I’m coming with you. When times are hard you find out who is really riding with you. Who really supports you. Who really loves your family. We went to the facility. I was like a jail to me I couldn’t see into the yard. The fence was so high. We I entered the building he had no name just a number, 1310. I was immediately told I could not see him or talk to him. They gave me no information but visitation days and time. I never thought this would be me going through this.
My husband was in the hospital for eight days. During those days, he missed his daughters first recital and Father’s Day. How was I during that time? I thought I was handling it well until my daughter came to me and sad mommy don’t be sad. Why is this moment important? I had a smile on my face at the time. As women we are taught to be strong right. We are a support system for our husbands and the foundation for our children. In that moment my first born saw right through me. She saw the pain, sadness, and exhaustion in my eyes. How did I know? My baby gave me a kiss and said, “
Mommy don’t be sad.” I thought I was hiding it but was not doing a great job.
I became better when I saw an improvement in my Superman every visitation day. He got stronger and stronger. I saw him becoming a better version of himself more in touched with his emotions and more expressive. It was like I was seeing him for the first time.
My husband was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and adjustment disorder. The pain from the abandonment from his mother and biological father. The pain from the death of the only parent he had. Things that he will share and will not share about Afghanistan, it all caught up with him. He broke. Or did he? The ending of this story could be very different. Why am I sharing this with you? People often shy away from issues of mental health. You may be told just pray. I am a spiritual person myself and I believe that faith without work is dead. There is action that goes along with prayer. I am not ashamed of what happened. I am actually the opposite. It took a lot of courage for my husband to leave the house that night. Every day I see him get stronger and I could not be more proud of him.
If you notice someone you care about struggling with issues don’t ignore it. Have some courageous conversations. Don’t ignore the signs! It doesn’t mean they are weak, they need help. Mental health is important and nothing to be ashamed of. I hope that by me sharing this you can have some courageous conversations and see behind the smiles of the people closest to you.
To my friends that called to just to tell me it was okay not to be okay (and woke up early when they normally don’t). To my sister that reminded me how strong I was and that we were built to survive in times of adversity. To his sister, uncle, and aunt who wrapped their arms around my family. To the people who just popped up at my house unannounced to just give me a hug. To every person that showed up at Yogi’s recital in the place of her father. To his battle who was wanted to drive from Chattanooga to check on his friend’s family. To my bestie that called every day and prayed over me from Georgia. To every soldier in his unit that reached out to me and prayed from him. To my awesome company that wanted me to take off but allowed me to keep busy on my projects. To my parents who cut their vacation short just to lay eyes on their baby. We are making it through this because of each of you!
My husband wanted me to tell my side of the story. He will share his side soon.
Remember, it’s okay not to be okay. Don’t hide it get help.